she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
Randomize
