i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
