a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
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