Four minutes until I can fart!
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
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