Pregnant stripper...not hot.
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
I'm not THAT invested in seeing you to an orgasm
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Randomize
