I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I had fun. Till he melissa etheridged my ass and came to my window.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
