You made me cry and you don't even care
whoever gets the blood i just donated is getting a shit ton of free thc
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Can we be gay Bert and Ernie for Halloween?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
