Your mouth is God's brothel.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
