i love accidental penises.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
