Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize
