my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize