My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Watching her eat just hurts me
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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