Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
One day we'll be rich enough to go to rehab. Until then, fuck it.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
