It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I just remembered that we had an in-depth conversation about how it was too stressful to wear pants.
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
My professor just paused class to answer a phone call from her dog. Im taking shots before this class from now on.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Randomize
