Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
You had sex with a mute, how is that not funny
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Last night was incredible. I can tell by the nacho cheese on my jacket
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
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