I feel like I'm in dance class right now
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
My dad picked me up from the bus station and as soon as he saw me he yelled "bus backwards is SUB!" and started laughing, I'm like 800% sure he's stoned. I'm so happy I came home for spring break.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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