haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
Alex I've come up with a new medical condition. dick depression. it's a real thing and I have it
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
Randomize
