Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
I just ate 10 fun sized 3 musakteers.. I'm pretty sure I'm about to start my period.
Talk to you next week
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
