Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
