My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
Randomize
