I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
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