I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
I put on a face mask and masturbated for an hour... my face now has a green tint
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