please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I have too much pride to pick his chest hair out of my mouth again
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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