At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
I can't help you right now because I'm shaving my feet...like a lady.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
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