Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
I yelled at your uterus for you.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
