Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I got off F O U R times, just because he wanted to hear me moan. He is my hero.
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
