Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
His nipple licking is glorious
Randomize
