3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
They ran out of toilet paper so I used the rug to wipe my vagina
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Randomize
