So the waitress at the Chinese Buffet totally just said "Adios" to a Hispanic couple. There's something you don't see every day.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
Randomize
