Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Randomize
