I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I love how our sober spotter means you only have to stay sober enough to type your pin in an ATM
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I may or may not be setting up an encounter with a foot fetishist just because I'm curious.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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