I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
We got so high we made milksteak
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You said you were going to start drinking less. Drinking 25 small airplane bottle shots do not count.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Oh god it's open bar.
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
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