So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
