I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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