Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Hey you're my best friend, I'm sorry I picked my vagina over my heart last night.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Randomize
