we're chasing vodka with high fives
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
