life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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