Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Someone came in the potted fern
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
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