i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
Randomize
