my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
