He disabled his match.com account in front of me
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
After we had sex he began to tell me the craziest places he's had sex. He told me KFC bathroom so I rolled over and went to sleep.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
