you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
