How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
When he breaks your heart after he reveals he's gay, I'll be there for you. -Love, Dad
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
