I just pynch a tree in the face
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
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