You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
but real talk, he made 1 phone call last night and had someone bring us tacos at 3am so idk I might be inlove
The reason why I poison my organs is so that you guys can't sell them.
I would rather contract a disease that would eat me from the inside out and make me suffer painfully while it slowly killed me than to put myself through the 20 minutes of agony that is having sex with you ever ever again.
I think you're talking dirty but I'm not sure???
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
