I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Prop 8 repealed and I FINALLY got my period. Good day for America!!!
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
