she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Randomize
