after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
He was more tolerable with alcohol in my system. I woke up to him squeezing me and telling me how he wanted to dip me in strawberry jam.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
Randomize
