anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Randomize
