There's too many weed/neon/felt Sublime posters in this room and someone just put on a Hunter S. Thompson movie. Save me, now.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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