I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
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