Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
How external is "for external use only"?
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I felt like I crashed a wedding. Everyone was dressed so nice and I was covered in actual dirt and a little blood.
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
Randomize
