Dude my mom stole all your condoms
the condom got lost in my hair
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
Please don't bang more than two exes at a time, just so I won't get confused.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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