if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Be still, my beating vagina.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
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