The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Randomize
