just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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