i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
Randomize
