I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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