Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
For a limited time only, free special muffin with the referral of a loyal dro customer! Have it for breakfast and be happy off your ass all day! Guaranteed! New member must buy at least an eighth. Oh and O's are on sale for 280.
You. Win. At. Life.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
