I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just walked by a ginger with a mullet. I repeat GINGER mullet. So help us God.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
