i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
It was still light ouot when we were walking up Pier Ave and she kept asking if she could suck my nipples.
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Randomize
